38 – I Hit Him

I hit him.

Yes. The man I loved. The father of my children.

I hit him.

I can’t remember why it happened. The only memory I have is this snapshot:

We’re in our bedroom. Maanav is kneeling on the carpet trying to protect his head with his arms. He’s calling out, “Papa, Papa.” Calling for his father. And I, like a demon possessed, in the most hideous form I can ever recall myself, am standing over him, slapping him repeatedly on his head and forearms. I’m jeering at him with clenched teeth, “Yeah, call your Papa, you baby. Call your Papa!”

Maanav, if you ever read this, though I assume I said it all those years ago, I am sorry. I am sorry. Nobody deserves that. You certainly didn’t. Maanav never once raised a hand to me, even when I was raining down on him. Not that day, not ever.

All that I have written about my life in the previous chapters, about my upbringing, trauma and hormonal issues, I am aware might make it sound like I have an excuse for my behaviour that day. Violence, unless absolutely necessary in circumstances of self-defence, is never justified. I was totally gone in that moment. Out of control. It shows just how diseased my mind was. Depression or no depression, I’d developed completely inappropriate ways to manage my emotions and each time I faced a stressful situation it got worse until that day when I finally snapped.

To write this chapter, when I had to step back into the mind of the person I was in that moment, the one who carried out that act, I felt sick to my stomach. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t shed a few tears. To re-live the state of mind I was in to hit someone and jeer at them with such contempt is not pleasant in the slightest. Especially since I experience the other end of the spectrum, absolute peace, as a daily occurrence now. It was disturbing, distressing; I felt suffocated, like I was being buried alive. I sent out a prayer to come out of those emotions quickly, and thankfully, I did, back to my blissful state, but not without becoming a little wiser from the experience.

Stress can get to anyone. Mental illness can affect anyone at any time. Men, women and children. A lapse in mindfulness, one slip up, one argument taken too far, one violent outburst, and you damage a bit of yourself and the other person/people forever. Not only physical violence but the violence of speech too is just as damaging. It can break a vulnerable person completely – both the offender and the one on the receiving end.

The guilt and all the other emotions associated with having a violent outburst can send one down a dark hole. And it’s a nefariously poisonous one when the offender repeats this kind of behaviour, especially so when justifying his/her act, blaming everyone else.

There are those who, like me, have seen violence growing up or have suffered abuse, and one day are pushed over the edge. The abused becomes the abuser, as they say.  I know exactly what this is like, and I have sympathy for those who have had a one-off outburst, understand it’s wrong and have sought help. I had an outburst like this with my ex-husband only once and I never touched him again. If you’re ever violent, it’s imperative to be aware, seek help and forgiveness, and make sure never to repeat it. And please go easy on yourself. Don’t hold on to the guilt. We all make mistakes. Those who have been hurt and not yet healed from it are more likely to hurt others. As long as you do everything in your power to never let it happen again, you’re doing alright.

If the offence is repeated, even once more, then we have a grave problem. If you regularly find yourself acting violently, with your words, your volume, or your actions, then, no matter what you think, you, my friend, need help, fast.

A slap, a kick, a pinch, a punch, some nasty words, belittling, swearing, and shouting are all unacceptable. It doesn’t matter who ‘ticked you off’, your parents, partner, sibling, children, a friend, a loved one or a stranger, nobody deserves this. The problem is not them. The problem is you.

“It’s not my fault.” “They started this.” “They don’t listen to me.” “They’re triggering me.” “They’re the problem, not me.” Sound familiar?

Seek the right kind of guidance and heal your diseased mind.

For some, mindfulness, therapy or a change in lifestyle might be enough. For others, a professional with medical expertise can change the game forever. It may be something as simple as re-balancing the chemicals in your brain. Especially if you’ve already tried to change without results. If you’ve been driving through life with the handbrake on, time to ask the right people for help and release it. You don’t have to live like this. You don’t have to feel that frustation ever again. Life can be so peaceful, successful and harmonious. It’s in your hands.

“They cannot trigger anger in you if you don’t have it in you.”

I realise the inner workings of this phrase now. I’ve gone through what could be called some extremely challenging times recently. Where in the past I would have been irate and had a meltdown, I haven’t felt those emotions, nothing close, and I’ve bounced back with zero resentment in my heart for anyone. I’m still mind-blown when I think about this and very grateful for these testing times because I can see that I’ve grown. The meditation, mindfulness and Sadhana are working! Yay! Without Swami ji’s Grace and teachings, swimming so smoothly through these recent events would have been impossible.

I can see now I was a mess back then. I was broken. I never wanted to hurt anyone. Had I learned to manage my emotions properly in my formative years, I’m certain I would never have hit my husband, no matter how deep my depression or how difficult the challenges. I went on to hurt myself in various ways (we’ll come to that later), which could also have been avoided had I had the right help and guidance during my childhood.

If you’re a parent who has difficulty controlling their anger, it’s never too late to make changes for the sake of your children.

Remember, children do what you do, not what you say.

If they see you getting angry, shouting and getting up to all sorts when your mind is uneasy, that’s inevitably what they’ll do. The generational cycle will continue until one of the kids has a total breakdown forcing a change of perspective, or, tragically, suffers irreversible damage to the mind. (I’ll write about this when I cover serious mental health, schizophrenia and psychosis in the near future.)

I can’t stress enough how important this is: think about how you’d like your children to manage their stress and start practising the same.

A loving, studious, polite, happy cookie can easily turn out rotten if not given a calm enough environment to grow up in. If they see you living a sattvic lifestyle, meditating, approaching conflict with a collected and positive attitude, eating healthily, working out, working with discipline and being kind, they will inevitably imbibe the same qualities.

Once your child is on the road to developing anger as a coping mechanism, it’s very difficult to get off it. Which means, unless they get the right help, they’ll basically be an angry person forever.

Is that a road you’re already on?

Life is always going to be challenging. It’s always going to throw shit at you. That’s just how life is. Now it’s up to you how you want to react and what kind of example you want to set for those who are under your care.

So, what to do about it?

Are you ready to make a change starting right now?

Here is one exercise you can start immediately, as outlined in Om Swami ji’s post The Practice of Tolerance.

1. Pick a time frame to begin with, say forty days, or a shorter period if you wish.
2. Write a reminder for yourself about practicing tolerance and read it at least twice a day.
3. Vow that no matter what, as soon as you realize a negative emotion emerging, you are going to make every attempt to drop that emotion. Remember, at their core, emotions, like desires, are simply unabandoned thoughts.
4. Promise yourself that you will not return abuse with abuse, violence with violence, hatred with hatred, or any other negative emotion with a negative one.
5. As part of your emotional transformation, while you maintain the practice of tolerance, you will not react and try your utmost to maintain your state of evenness.

You can repeat the practice till it becomes your habit.

There is plenty of help and advice in Swami ji’s blog posts and books. And I’ll do my best to keep writing as honestly as possible about my life experiences, how I implemented His teachings, the challenges I faced, and how I got to this state of tranquility I now experience, every single day.

It’s never too late to change your life.

Maanav, again, if you ever read this, I am sorry.