2011
“She’s inhumane. How can a mother leave her children?” As I hear the words, I know this is it. This is the moment. All eyes are on me now. Sitting before this panel of judges at the Royal Courts of Justice in London, I allow only a single tear to escape me. I don’t blink. I cannot move.
I sit as still as a corpse, but within, I am being burned alive, incinerated, turned to ash. Although I don’t look over, I can feel the heads of my opposition on the other side of the courtroom turn towards me. Maanav and Maya, clad in their dark power-suits, have won.
It’s been a tiring, almost decade-long, joust that ends with my 13-year-old and 10-year-old sons telling the court officer they don’t want to see me, because, according to them, I’m inhumane. I haven’t seen Jai for years and Veer for months. Their exact words are quoted back to me by the judge: “She’s inhumane. How can a mother leave her children?”
I’ve been reduced from being their mother, the woman who created and nurtured them in her own body, who birthed and fed them from her own body, who loved them and cared for them every second of their early lives, to not even worthy of being graded as a human being.
What am I then? An animal? Some kind of critter?
Where have my children learned to think like this?
___
I’m sorry, I cannot write more than this today. I need a little more time to process it. I know I will be absolutely alright once it’s all out.
Each time I write a chapter, I read it over and over again until it no longer causes any emotion in me other than acceptance and gratitude.
With Swami ji’s Grace, I always heal from it completely and feel lighter and stronger.
Thank you to all of you for your love, patience and kindness. Thank you for being a part of my healing journey.
May our shared experiences be healing for us all 🙏🏼🧡
Thank You to Swami ji for everything 🙏🏼🧡🙇🏻♀️
68 comments
This was heartbreaking Diya ji. More power to you, you deserve all the love and respect in the world. I wish I could write more words, but I can’t. A warm tight hug to you
Jai Sri Hari, Supriya ji 🙏🏼🧡🤗
Desr Sushree ji, this is a very painful in incident. I can understand you not able to write more but trying to overcome this part by writing and going through it again and again. Oh only if I could hug you at this point. Please accept my virtual hug. Lots of love and strength to you♥️♥️
Jai Sri Hari, Prachi ji 🧡🙏🏼🤗
You are very strong and have come so far, Diya Ji! Please keep going! May Swamiji’s wisdome be always there with you and within you! 🙏💐
Om Swami ji ki Jai! 🙏🏼🧡🙏🏼
This makes me cry for you and foe all the women who have been treated unjustly. Praying for you and your kids and prayeringvthat they get to read all this and know your side of the story . May Swamiji grace help you heal. Lots of love and warm hugs to you 🤗
Jai Shri Hari
Unbearable pain . You have gone through a lot sadhvi ji🙏🏻
With Swami ji’s Grace, healing after anything is possible 🧡 Om Swami ji ki Jai! 🙏🏼
🙏🏼🧡🙏🏼 God bless you, Anuradha ji.
I feel heartbroken 💔 😞 Didi so sorry, I can only imagine the Pain. Idk. I wish you didn’t have to go through this. Idk why such events had to happen. Love U Di. U mean a lot to us. Only a love deprived parent knows, the immense, unfathomable pain of it. Please take care. Jai Sri Hari 🙏
Jai Shri Hari, Diya ji. 🤗🙏 You are amazingly strong and courageous. Please take care. Swamiji ki Jai! His Loving Presence and acceptance is healing. 🌸🍃🙇♀️
Give your Ma a big, loving hug from me, Nalin 🤗🧡 Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼
Ma says thank u for being so kind to me and gives u a loving hug in return 💗. Sri Hari is always watching and is eager to embrace you Didi. I know it for a fact. I am so eager to make Ma meet you if I get a chance. I love u Didi. I love U. I wish Jai and Veer my friends and I could convince them to see differently. You’re a mother figure to so many of us, so many are inspired to walk the good path just because of U. Your pain is unimaginable to me, but I know you have found peace too. May Sri Hari always always Love U ❤️
Dear Sushree ji,
Your journey of transformation from pain to love is truly inspiring. Your ability to heal others with your kindness and compassion is a testament to the strength of your spirit. May your life continue to be a beacon of hope and healing for all those you touch.
With deep admiration and warm regards
Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼🧡
Dear Diya ji
You are one of the strongest people I know, I can’t even imagine what you must have been going through. I try to put myself in your shoes, and I just don’t know what I would have done. Big hug to you and sooooooo much love ❤️❤️❤️
Jai Shri Hari, Diya ji. 🤗🙏 You are amazingly strong and courageous. Please take care. Swamiji ki Jai! His Loving Presence and acceptance is healing. 🌸🍃🙇♀️
Being a mother I can absolutely relate what you must have gone through. Your journey of transformation is inspiring.
Jai Sri Hari, Shalini ji 🤗🙏🏼🧡
Om Swami ji ki Jai 🙏🏼🧡🙏🏼
Tears Diya Ji.
This is gut wrenching. For sure, you have come very far, but we are all humans with emotions. Crying with you. You are not alone. Take care.
Thank you for your huge heart, Satish ji 🧡🧡🧡🙏🏼
Dear Akka,
Jai Sri Hari!
I wish you have a nice hot beverage, something delicious and have a relaxing day!! Please take care. Since morning even while doing japa I felt I must say this to you…please take care. All glories to Swamiji.
That’s so sweet of you, Ashwini. Thank you. God bless you! Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼 🧡
Even my vedios were objected by family but I felt it healed lots of never said wounds of my heart
A big hug to you, Meera ji 🤗🧡 Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼
Jay Shri Hari 🙏 Diyaji you are truly an inspiration to us all. You have gone through so much and internally suffered vastly
Healing and prayers for you my dear,, The change and wisdom in you now is amazing, Swamiji is taking care of you for sure
Bless you 🤗
Dear Hasu ji. Thank you for always being so kind to me. Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼🤗🧡
Diya ji big hug to you. People in order to sleep at night, create a narrative which could redeem them from the past guilt. Swamiji says that our mind is very powerful, it could justify any act. And that is why expecting people to have conscience or asking for morality or justice is wrong. They had to create a meaner version of you , so that your kids can get over you and never question about you.It helped them to get rid of that baggage. Otherwise your children would have pined for your affection. And it would have affected their equation with Maya. That false narrative actually helped your children to live a life with no regrets. Think of it is as your children are in boarding school and they don’t miss you.
I am writing this, because when I am stuck a third party perspective could give us a better view of our life. Something, we are so mean not to others but ourselves that we keep playing that wrong thing in our head . This bad tape memory, don’t play it anymore Diya ji. You are an incredible soul. You are so just and nice. Please be kind and love yourself as you love other people. You know that little mother divine in you , who lives within you gets sad, when you are upset. Give that little girl a hug. Cheers .
Hugging as we speak 🙂🙂🙂 Thank you, Priyanka ji. Yes. I understand this, and on any normal day, I’m absolutely fine. It fact, more than fine; I’m in bliss. It’s just having to walk through the memories again. I know my feelings are temporary and I hold no ill will against anyone. I’ll bounce back very soon! 🤗🧡 Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼
Oh my God Sushree Diyaji. I literally had to read twice to make sure I got it right. This is so hard, damn.. trust me I have had tough times in life, but this is whole different level. How deeply you must be wounded by this. Insane. Insane is what I would have become. Now am only curious how you dealt with it on all levels to find strength to pull yourself out of hurt and blossom so beautifully. Keep smiling as always. Thank you for sharing.
By Divine Grace and persistence 🧡 I will write about it as the series continues. Jai Sri Hari! God bless you 🙏🏼🙂
I have nothing to say Diya ji, just sending you all the love I have in me and the tightest hug ;)….
🤗🧡🤗
No words,just tight hugs 🫂 All will be well, with Swami ji’s divine grace ❤️
Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼🙂🧡
Jai Shri Hari, Sushree Diya ji!
No words are enough to describe the pain and turmoil you went through during the most challenging phases of your life. I am not sure if you realise this, but your words are a beautiful ray of hope in this world where mere mortals like me seem to lose our way and strength when encountered with problems. You are an embodiment of hope, positivity and light for so many lives! Our Param Pujya Guru Dev’s kindest blessings are with you. Sending you immense love and lots of hugs. Jai Ma Kali!
Jai Ma Kali! 🧡🙇🏻♀️🧡
I can’t come close to imagining your pain Sushree Diya ji. I’ve never ceased to admire your courage. “Each time I write a chapter, I read it over and over again until it no longer causes any emotion in me other than acceptance and gratitude.” You’ve given all of us a recipe to tackle the chapters of trauma in our lives. Thank you. Sending you warm wishes, hugs and lots of love. Jai Sri Hari.
Dear Prahalad ji. It really works. It’s similar to the exercise Swami ji wrote in one of His blog posts where we record ourselves talking about a trauma. We listen to it and keep re-recording it over and over adding as much detail as possible. Soon enough, one can listen to it with complete detachment. Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼🧡🙂
There is a beautiful poem by Rumi.
Only by his will do atoms move
The beat of every wing he must approve
No one can explain this and none should try
The infinite can never answer “why”?
Even though we strive to know the” how”, through science
Before him, we have to bow
And give ourselves, our lives, and will to god
With no thought of a blessing or reward
In these our lives, my friend, nor in the next
Does the simple truth leave your mind perplexed?
Then know that contentment is part of bliss,
Don’t ask for love, yet accept a kiss
Oh Sufi, don’t long for paradise
Be content with his love, this earth, these skies
Loads of love and respect. Take care, Sushree Diya. Jai Gurudev.
God bless you, Akshay ji. You always share the most beautiful uplifting gifts 🙏🏼🙂🧡
Dear Akka,
I loved the beaming video you had shared of drumming with a little boy on Wildr and to see yourself transform into truly beautiful person with generous heart despite everything you have been through points repeatedly at the inner divinity that is brilliant, ever shining and eternal. If we still do not perceive this profound truth , then we are missing something really precious…Jai Shri Hari and all glories to Swamiji…please take care . Your wellness is far more important to us. After all you are our real super hero and an inspiration to countless others going through daunting / hopeless situations…
God bless you my dear 🧡🧡🧡 Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼
My Dear Diya Om Ji. Jai Shree Hari!
Take all the time you need to heal and be ready. There is no rush. We are all here for you. You must know, that somewhere, there is a broken part in all of us which we have not healed ( or even want to heal) because it is so painful.
You are one of the bravest women I know, you have accepted yourself so beautifully.
I remember seeing you in ashram during Creative Writing course. I could not take my eyes off of you and you caught me, bowed down and said namaste and smiled 🙂
You have Mother Divine in you and around you, shielding you and nurturing you.
Take your time 🙂
Lot of love, care and warmth
Neha Om 🙂 (and your fan)
God bless you always, Neha ji 🤗🧡 Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼
The pain you went through is unbearable and unfathomable. As a mother I cannot begin to imagine it. Kudos to you for your strength. May Swami ji and Sri Hari always keep you in bliss and may Jai and Veer find their way to you with His grace.
Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼🧡
Lots of love and pranam Sadhviji, may God bless you with all the happiness in the world. I have no words to express how gratefull i am for your writings and i really admire your courage.
Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼🧡🙂
Take care Sushree Maa. Don’t know what to say. Wishing you healing and good health. 🤗
Thank you, Sri Ram ji. Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼🧡
🙏
Dear Diya ji, yes, I know it’s difficult, but what Priyanka ji Om wrote to you is a very true and wise way of looking at the situation. You have forgiven everyone, but also to yourself? It was an experience of your life. Past. You were that person and now you are another one, very close to your inner soul which is beautiful, it has been waiting to make your acquaintance! You are a be beautiful soul and your children, one day, will understand and appreciates you. A big an warm hug, take care of your Self. 🙏❤️😘🤗
Thank you, Mata ji 🤗🙏🏼🤗 Jai Sri Hari! 🧡🙇🏻♀️
Dear Sushree Diya ji,
Please take your time. Your silence has conveyed your pain. You have gone through a lot in such a short span that it is totally heart wrenching. Please take care. Yes, you are not a human, you are much more than that. May you get more power. Jai Shri Hari…
Thank you, Biswa ji. Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼🧡🙂
You are a very strong beautiful person inside out
Sending you love ❤️
Jai Sri Hari, Saroj ji 🙏🏼🧡🙂
Sushree Diya Ji, once again this is wildly painful. I don’t know how you managed to reassemble all the pieces of you that were smashed to pieces or incinerated completely. I suppose that is how you came to be the diamond you are, as Bhagwan truly threw you in the combustion chamber. I hope you take your time moving through these memories. I know Swamiji and Ma are with you, and our love too…you are a courageous soul and I think only the ones who have walked through fire themselves can help others get through it on their way to God. Like your name, I see you as that light/flame that everyone tried to snuff, but never went out. Jai Shri Hari ❤️
Dear Brooke ji, how so you always write such moving and profound messages 🧡 I am deeply touched. May Swami ji’s Grace truly always be upon you and your family. Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼🤗
<3, always so much <3
Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼🧡🙂
Jai Shri Hari ki maa 🙏🏽
I can’t tell you how much I wait for your posts every Monday. More than just love, I read your posts to be near you spiritually. I don’t know why I resonate with you. I feel you. I am living in Bristol right now for my undergrad. I know the culture in England and somewhere I don’t completely understand their ways of being cold to each other. It’s not like our india. Whenever your posts pop up on my feed on Wildr I get so happy. I wish god would let me take you away from all the pain. Are you still in London maa ?
I pray swamiji makes a way and I could come see you in London maa.
Lots of love Maa
Dear Alisha, your pure heart shines through in your words. I am travelling but will be back in London soon. If you’re coming to London from Bristol, do send me a message via the contact page and we can see if it’s possible. Much love to you and all the best with your studies. God bless you. Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼🧡
Diya Ji, after many months I happened upon your blog and resumed reading your writings. Every time I read your words I am constantly amazed at the utter beauty of your persona and your soul 🥰! You are beautiful inside and out.
I read somewhere that it is in times of adversity and change, that we really discover who we are and what we are made of. I see a luminous person full of love, compassion, humility, truthfulness and a lot of resilience. To have received the grace of Gurudev is something anyone would give up their lives for and you have received his grace abundantly. If I was not attempting to walk the path, I would be quite a dark shade of green you know 😀. Just kidding!
I could not meet you when I visited the ashram last time but do hope to see you when I come there the next time.
Much love and strength to you 🥰, Sowmya Om
Dear Sowmya ji, His Grace is truly upon you too. May Swami ji bring you all the way Home. And thank you for your love and honesty. Om Swami ji ki Jai!
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