39 – Sexual Attraction: A Revelation

Sometime after that awful evening, Maanav was away in Germany on a business trip. I was at home with the new baby when the phone rang. It was the fraud team of our bank asking to speak to Mr. Maanav Mehra about his recent credit card transactions. I told them I was his wife and that they could speak to me as he was abroad. It was in relation to suspicious activity on his account, they said. They asked that he call them back to confirm or reject the transactions.

I texted Maanav to call them and didn’t think much of it beyond that. A couple of days later, when Maanav returned, I asked him about it.

He told me the truth.

He told me he had paid for sex.

He hadn’t done anything wrong as he’d only done exactly what I’d said he could do.

Yes, I’d said this.

Confused?

Rewind back to all my health problems, all the gynaecological surgery and postpartum, it was nearly impossible for me to be intimate with my husband. Getting pregnant with Veer was almost a miracle.

I understood Maanav’s sex drive and I felt sorry for him. I told him that if he had to go somewhere and pay for it occasionally, I would understand. He had to practise safe sex, this was important.

So, he’d only done what I said I was alright with. It was up to me to deal with it.

If it wasn’t a big deal, then why am I telling you about it? Well, one, it’s important to note for later on in the story, and two, I’m sure this is something most of you can relate to.

I have realised, after hearing countless couples’ stories, as well as studying Swami ji’s wisdom on this topic, that having sex (paid or unpaid) or an affair outside of a marriage/relationship is far more common than most of us want to acknowledge.

The number one reason? Because a person can – simply because the opportunity arises.

Men are statistically more likely to do it than women, especially pay for it, but that doesn’t mean by a long shot that women don’t.

It’s our most basic instinct to reproduce, to want to connect with each other. Almost everything we do is driven by this. Looking and feeling good, healthy and successful are important to scoring a mate. So, everything from getting washed, dressed, feeding ourselves, earning money and showing ourselves off on social media, for most people, is not just about survival but also about making ourselves more ‘liked’, more desirable.

I am no angel, either. I was very close to having an affair before we separated. Had my marriage not ended when it did, I might have eventually had an ‘entanglement’ (thanks for the term, Will and Jada) of my own. And it will be a surprise for those who knew me then that it would not have been with the man I was actually accused of having an affair with.

When Maanav and I separated, a rumour went around that I’d been having an affair with a young man who was in our Jain community youth group. Let’s call him Abhay. Abhay was successful, athletic, tall, dark and handsome. And he was an acquaintance of my husband. They played football together every week.

I joined the youth group when Veer was a couple of months old. We were doing dance rehearsals for a fellow member’s wedding celebration, and we were planning a Gangsters ‘n’ Molls themed ball for the coming new year celebration. As we had weekly meetings for the same, Abhay and I would see each other regularly. We also saw each other socially with Maanav and his other friends. I liked him so much that I wanted him to marry Maanav’s sister.

Abhay and I became friends. We talked via text during the week in between our meetings. I admit I enjoyed the attention, but that was it. He was a friend when I was feeling lonely and vulnerable. I was on Prozac, I’d just had my second baby, and my husband was distant, spending long hours at the factory he co-owned with my father (whom I hated at the time,) or travelling for business. Then I found out about the transactions.

I tried to ignore everything. It was all my own doing, I felt. I tried to get on with life, take my antidepressants and act like everything was okay.

At that time, I got back in regular contact with my closest friend, who I’d known since pre-school, Sharmila, or Milli, as I fondly call her. Milli was twenty-one, like me at the time, but she was a student and living a young single life.

Although I didn’t tell them about the transactions, Abhay and Milli became my lifelines, keeping me sane during those months.

I never went out alone with Abhay; we’d only text and occasionally speak on the phone. But, every Friday night, after the kids went to bed, I’d go out dancing with Milli and our group of girlfriends. I realised later that my in-laws disapproved of it. I didn’t see it then. They never said I couldn’t go. Maybe they saw I needed it for myself. It’s why I joined the youth group too. I needed time and space away from the house to do something I enjoyed, for myself.

With Milli, I was back in a familiar space – with my childhood friends and my favourite place of release, the dancefloor. I looked forward to it all week. I was careful not to drink much because of the Prozac, and usually, Maanav would drop me off and pick me up from whichever pub/ bar/club we were at.

It was on one of these nights out that I met the Irishman. He was a personal trainer by day and a bouncer by night at the pub next door to the one Milli and I frequented.

We got talking and exchanged phone numbers. There was some flirty texting.

Then one evening we arranged to meet in a car park after dark. I’d bought new lingerie. My intention was clear going into it.

I made up some excuse and went out.

He sat in my car and we talked for a bit.

I could sense he wanted to kiss me, but I just couldn’t go through with it.

The conversation ended awkwardly. He got out of the car irritated, and that was that.

I felt awful.

It left me wondering: how come I would push my husband away, the man I once desired more than anything in the world, but I was willing to lie to him and my whole family and drive to a car park at night to potentially have an affair with another man?

One evening, a few years ago, sitting in the ashram temple listening to my guru, Om Swami ji give a discourse about attraction within relationships, while my face was feigning calm and composure, lightbulbs were exploding like fireworks in my mind.

Woah, Swami ji had hit the nail on the head.

The thing I’d never said out loud.

The thing that I didn’t even know was a thing.

The thing that almost everyone whose been in a relationship long enough experiences at some stage.

It was a revelation – the smell.

There is something about a person’s personal scent that attracts us to them in the first place. If it changes, it can be a turn-off for the partner. Pheromones and personal scent rule over everything else regarding sexual desire. We really are more animalistic than we realise.

I remember thinking the same about Maanav. I didn’t like his scent anymore when he was close to me. If he came on to me, I would push him away. Don’t get me wrong, his personal hygiene was unmatched, he always looked flawless (he’s a very handsome man, way above average looking), and he used expensive grooming products and cologne, but it may have been since he started working with my father at the factory, being in that environment all day, that there was this new smell about him that repelled me. Perhaps there was something about it that was similar to the way my father smelled; I don’t know. I just knew I didn’t like it near me, and I never understood that it was a thing until Swami ji spoke about it in a discourse.

If you’re in a marriage or a serious relationship and you experience anything like what I’ve written here, or similar, please go easy on yourselves and each other. It really is far more common than anyone is willing to admit. Our chemical make-up changes over time. What may once have attracted us can easily change. It’s basic biology.

Sexual attraction for various reasons is bound to decrease at some point in a relationship. If the relationship is based on love, respect, care and friendship, it has every chance of survival.

If you have a strong basis and you’re still in conflict about your sexual desire toward others or your partner is, go inward, reflect and assess your life; perhaps you can figure out what is causing you or your partner to look for attention or sex outside of your relationship and work on it. It may work out; it may not.

Both parties need to communicate, communicate, communicate, with maturity and respect and come to an understanding.

And if you have a spiritual connection and can do Sadhana with each other, or for each other, for more peace, love and prosperity in your lives, there is nothing else like it. You’ve then transformed your relationship into a divine one. Even your sexual intimacy can become divine.

I know relationships are very complicated and I’ve simplified the issue I’m talking about here, but this is just one aspect I thought was worth sharing my experience of and what I learned along the way.

Maanav’s transactions were not the reason why my marriage ended. He was not at fault there.

And I didn’t have an affair with Abhay, although everyone thought I did. If I had wanted Abhay, I would have asked him to meet me in the car park that night, not the Irishman.

This doesn’t mean I didn’t end up cheating in other relationships (more on this in future chapters). My marriage was probably the only relationship I valued the sanctity of.

Why it ended, once and for all, was more complicated than this.

And what happened afterwards destroyed me… once and for all.

If you’re in a marriage or a relationship, I hope some of this is helpful.

And in case you’d like to read more, my Guru, Om Swami ji, has many helpful articles on relationships, marriage and sex.

Here are some that you might find useful or interesting:

Why do people cheat in relationships?

Four truths of marriage and intimate relationships.

Sex and Spirituality – four perspectives on sexuality