46 – And Then I fell in Love with Saleem… and Cocaine

by Merry Monk

This is one of the more difficult posts to write. Because this is where I have to face just how much I messed up. My life at this point took a turn. A point of no return. And I have no one to blame for it but myself.

Here we go.

Saleem was not at all what I expected of someone living in Chalkhill. Originally from Birmingham, after finishing his Law degree and LPC, when I met him, he was completing his training contract at a London law firm. His employer, a senior associate at the firm, was also from the Midlands and had moved to London to pursue his legal career. When Thatcher was in power, she gave an opportunity for council tenants to become homeowners by buying their council homes. A Chalkhill property was clearly far from notable, and Saleem’s boss had bought it at a steal, converting the living room of the one-bedroom property into a second bedroom and renting each out to two young trainee solicitors.

No surprise, Saleem specialised in criminal law. He was kept busy by the influx of work from the Chalkhill residents and was known by everyone in the estate. It was surreal; a bit like being in a Godfather movie. From the petty drug dealers to the more serious criminals and the cops, he knew them all, and they him. Just walking to his car, we’d meet someone or the other who’d come over, fist bump him, and thank him for his help in getting them off lightly for their charge. Everyone knew us, the lawyer and the model. Because of Saleem, in Chalkhill, in one of the most dangerous estates in the UK, I was completely safe.

Saleem was naturally charming. Sure, he was handsome; you couldn’t miss his tall, naturally lean and muscular frame dressed impeccably in Armani or Hugo Boss and the like. And his fair Kashmiri skin, dark curls and matching, mischievous eyes were eye-catching. But more than anything, he had a way with people that commanded respect yet made him extremely likeable. To my twenty-one-year-old doe eyes, he was the coolest person I’d ever met.

Saleem was a Muslim, although non-practising himself, he was from a traditional family. He and I both knew we wouldn’t end up together. We couldn’t even if we’d wanted to. At some point, he would have to marry a Muslim girl of his parents’ choosing. And a Hindu/Jain divorcee with two children was, of course, totally off the cards. That suited me perfectly as a serious relationship or marriage was the last thing I wanted.

Being with Saleem was a far cry from the home I had just left. We lived like teenagers – in the moment, with little attachment and very little expectation from each other. I was with a person who didn’t judge me, who didn’t try to restrain me, who, in fact, gave me entry into a new world of freedom. I was broken, but I was now in my Chalkhill bubble of absolute freedom. A dangerous combination perhaps when you’re only 21 and have no idea that you’re broken or how to live life.

My sporadic modelling jobs with South Asian magazines didn’t pay the bills, so I got a regular job. I began working in the call centre of a nutritional health company, taking orders over the phone for supplements. One of Maanav’s family friends owned it and kindly offered me a position when he heard I was struggling to find employment. I had only to save up a deposit and a month’s worth of rent so I could move out of Saleem’s and into a decent rental flat of my own. Then I could build a quiet life, have a room for the children to stay over and spend more time with them.

But it was easier said than done.

Saleem became my drug along with the weed we smoked every day.  I felt like I’d gone back to my teenage years when I smoked up with my friends and forgot about my pain. We had a routine going that was chill and easy. If we weren’t at work, we were at home, smoking up, cooking, eating, laughing, chatting and listening to music. We spent most of our time together alone. It was as if we didn’t need anyone else. If Saleem was on police station duty, he wouldn’t get high. But I still would. Sometimes, if he got called out, even in the middle of the night, I’d go with him. I’d take a clipboard and sit in a corner pretending to take notes while he worked with the police and whoever had been arrested.

If he wasn’t on call, then Friday and Saturday nights were for drinking and partying. Sometimes, it was just the two of us and a bottle of vodka at home. Sometimes we went out to a club. The partying was tame enough… in the beginning.

I saw the children on the weekends then, either on the Saturday or the Sunday, whichever day they were free. And I don’t know how I did it, but I’d be off my face the night before, have no hangover the next morning, and be bouncing around a children’s play area or a park with them all day. Or we’d be at my parents’ home, baking together or playing games – generally having a lot of fun.

To look at me, you’d have no idea of the turmoil just under the surface or know that if I wasn’t with my children, I found it extremely difficult to be sober. The second I was back at Saleem’s after dropping them home, I was lighting a joint or pouring myself a vodka. Many a time, after dropping the kids to their house, I’d be so sad to see them go, I’d park my car in a nearby street and cry my heart out. I needed to release the tears before I felt calm enough to drive home. Smoking a spliff was the only way I knew how to numb myself. Soon, I wouldn’t wait until I got back to Saleem’s to light one up. I’d keep one hidden in the glove box and I’d smoke it driving back to Chalkhill.

One night, out of nowhere, Saleem pulled out a folded-up square of paper and emptied it onto a CD cover on the coffee table. It was a white powder.

I knew about cocaine, but I’d never tried it before.

If I’d had an ounce of willpower, I would have said no. I know Saleem would have done it himself but wouldn’t have forced me to take it.

If I’d been thinking about anyone other than myself, I wouldn’t have done it.

If at all I’d been thinking of my children I wouldn’t have allowed that moment to become the start of my very tumultuous relationship with hard drugs and a decade that I struggle to remember.

 

37 comments

Prachi Kolte August 1, 2023 - 6:07 pm

Sushree ji, just love and hugs♥️♥️

Merry Monk August 1, 2023 - 6:29 pm

Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼 ❤️

RajniOm August 11, 2023 - 8:21 am

Jai Shree Hari..Sushreeji love and respect for you♥️🤗

Merry Monk August 14, 2023 - 11:08 am

Jai Sri Hari!

Suguna August 1, 2023 - 6:21 pm

I am able to connect the dots. Divine prepared you for this day. Divine gave you something big then snatched it away to make you learn… I see it here. First it was Manav ji, a reputed person and now Saleem ji, again a reputed person. It has taken years of toll on you dear, Sushree ji….Divine keeps on throwing lessons at us till we finally learn it! 😇 I didn’t have a life like yours but I am learning so much. Thank You dear one!

Up and down will she go
Upon a roller coaster, riding.
Adrenaline, cushion, a gush of wind
Till she falls down, tumbling.
Then again will she be on grass
Soft, heathy and fresh as love
And another wind of autumn blows
Drying the greens, grasses rough.
She will find herself on a bed
Of grasses, leaves and petals dry
And a naked foot walking along
On the margin of many whats and why!
She will then reach a city of bustle,
Glamour, gossips and pollution-
Midst the hustle will ring a bell
Of calling to Maa’s communion!
Humanity still casts its shade
A good, bad and average lot
Each having on earth some space
Growing up for a body to rot
And she realises and watches the pyre
Burning away the body in chunks
But she will be at peace and fire
Of Mother Divine,
She is our Merry Monk!

Love you Sushree ji! 💖

Merry Monk August 1, 2023 - 6:31 pm

Oh my goodness, did you just write that, Suguna ji? It’s beautiful! Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼 ❤️

Neha August 1, 2023 - 6:25 pm

So short! Omg! Can’t keep calm until next Tuesday 🤓
I was offered coca at a house party when I was may be 21-ish. Idk how or why… I felt a strong energy… Pushing me away and making me uncomfortable.
I honestly would have tried it, but there were these divine forces pulling me away. I never saw those set of friends again.
I cannot express in words, how stupid I was and how divine knew that this girl (me) needs serious protection.

Merry Monk August 1, 2023 - 6:32 pm

You dodged a bullet, Neha ji. All it takes is one time to ruin a life. God bless you. Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼 ❤️

Gauri Om August 1, 2023 - 6:57 pm

Love you dearest Sushreeji.

Merry Monk August 2, 2023 - 6:48 am

Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼❤️

Naina Shah August 1, 2023 - 9:12 pm

😢💔. Love and light to you always. Jai Sri Hari. 🙏

Merry Monk August 2, 2023 - 6:48 am

Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼❤️

RIYA RAJ August 12, 2023 - 11:19 am

Pranaam Sushree ji 🙏🌹 May God bless you.
Love you loads, Riya.

Merry Monk August 14, 2023 - 11:09 am

Jai Sri Hari!

Anu August 2, 2023 - 3:16 am

You have provided me a strong, very strong principle of life…. ” never ever think ONLY about yourself”… God Bless❤❤❤❤

Merry Monk August 2, 2023 - 6:48 am

Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼❤️

Shivani August 2, 2023 - 3:57 am

No No No.I really didn’t want to read this. How hard it must have been to revisit this chapter. How hard you must have fought. How lonely you must have felt. My heart goes out to you as I read this with tears in my eyes. Sending you the warmest hug. May you continue to shine and grow Diya ji.

Merry Monk August 2, 2023 - 6:46 am

Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼❤️

MeeraOm August 2, 2023 - 5:39 am

I can feel your turmoil, helplessness and addiction.

Merry Monk August 2, 2023 - 6:45 am

Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼❤️

Ankit J August 2, 2023 - 10:52 am

Sushree Ji, I cannot imagine the courage you have. What you are outpouring and that too so candidly, is a testimony of SwamiJi’s potent vibrations in you. While I may not be able to relate to the topic that you have discussed here, but I can surely see the dilemma, and if I may once again use the word “courage” to face the un-comfortability of going through difficult decisions that in a split second could have turned the entire direction of where you intended to go. Keep on writing, you have a gift, and some day this will save someone from making the wrong choice. It is all worth it

Merry Monk August 14, 2023 - 11:09 am

Jai Sri Hari!

Saroj August 2, 2023 - 4:24 pm

Jai shi hari
Diyaji 🙏🏽🙏🏽

Merry Monk August 14, 2023 - 11:10 am

Jai Sri Hari!

Saroj August 2, 2023 - 4:26 pm

Jai Shri hari Diyaji 🙏🏽

Parvati Om August 2, 2023 - 6:14 pm

Pranams Sushree Ji. Please take care of yourself. it is heart wrenching to even imagine the pain you must have gone through while parting with the kids. Love you so much .. always. ❤️JAI SRIHARI.

Merry Monk August 14, 2023 - 11:10 am

Jai Sri Hari!

Divya Vanshika Om August 2, 2023 - 6:14 pm

Jai Sri Hari Sushree Diya ji

How you are confronting these memories from your past I don’t know. A roller coaster ride is the most tame word for your life as I see it in your blog . Once again I am filled up with awe with your authenticity and truth. And that’s some thing I would love to follow

Merry Monk August 14, 2023 - 11:11 am

Jai Sri Hari!

Hasu Varia August 4, 2023 - 1:44 pm

Diyaji .. it’s unimaginable I have no words what and how you have gone through so much..sending you love and light my dearest 🤗💕

Sri Devi Om August 6, 2023 - 3:08 am

More power to you, brave woman. God bless you always. As they say, all’s well that ends well. Take Care, dear.

Merry Monk August 14, 2023 - 11:12 am

Jai Sri Hari!

Akshay Om August 8, 2023 - 6:21 am

Jai Sri Hari Diyaji.. may Sri Hari keep the light and joy on your face that we see each day.

Akshay Om August 8, 2023 - 6:22 am

Sorry forgot to add Sushree 🙂 Jai Sri Hari Sushree Diyaji 🙂

Merry Monk August 14, 2023 - 11:13 am

It’s okay, dear Akshay ji. Without Sushree is also fine. God bless you. Jai Sri Hari!

Pratikshya August 14, 2023 - 2:46 pm

I cant imagine the amount of loss you had gone through and what might have lead you to the situation you were in. I’m glad that you could come out of it and you are now leading a happy and healthy life now with sri hari and swamiji’s kripa. Mai sri hari always protect you and give you all the love and happiness you deserve.

Juveria May 14, 2024 - 9:33 pm

I know for sure when God takes anything away from you, he is actually planning to give you better than the best.
You kids were taken away from you and then you came so close to God! See you got better than the best!

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