48 – “Hi Mum, I’ve Missed You.”

Less than two hours after I’d pressed publish on the last chapter, I received a call from my sister-in-law Mina and an email from my brother Mishal with the subject heading: “I have the best news ever for you!”

With my guru Om Swami ji’s Grace, that day, my world changed in ways I could not have dreamed of.

On the day I’d sat on the plush sofa by the fireplace at Kailash Manor (the beautiful nursing home in NW London where my father is currently being cared for as he nears the end of his life), on the afternoon I had sat there to write the last chapter of my story, I had no idea that, a mere 18 days later, I would be sitting on the same sofa and this time I would not be alone.

I could not have conceived that day that the object of my thoughts, the source of my tears of intense love while writing, would be sitting right there with me; smiling at me, misty-eyed, hugging me, holding my hands.

I had mourned my sons.

I was convinced that I would never see either of them again. I had accepted my fate as I knew it.

But the Universe, it seems, knew differently.

Almost 14 years after I last saw or heard from him, my dear younger son, who I’ve named Veer in my story, reached out.

‘Veer’ found out my brother’s name from a relative and searched for his socials online. He sent my brother the sweetest, most humble and loving message.

Veer wrote that he missed me and wanted to reconnect with me. He’d heard I’d moved to the Himalayas and had become a nun/monk. Although it was not the preference of his father, Veer had been building up the courage for years to find me. He was asking my brother for help with information and a way to contact me.

When Veer reached out, he had no idea about this blog and that I’d been writing my story. And he had even less of an idea that I wasn’t far-far away in India. Providence had brought me to London to be here for my father. And so, I was not thousands of miles away in the Himalayan mountains; I was, in fact, only 4.5 miles away, a 17-minute drive.

When Mina told me about Veer’s message, the shock that this was finally happening stunned me into silence. I think I made some muffled sounds down the phone to let her know I had heard what she said, but I just couldn’t speak. My knees buckled beneath me, my hand went to my mouth and tears streamed my cheeks; my gaze went straight to my guru Om Swami ji’s photo and a prayer of gratitude with it.

With so much love and patience, Mina allowed me to soak it in. She said she understood, I didn’t have to speak, and she went on to explain how the message had come about and that Veer had provided his telephone number.

Over the years, I had trained my mind to be so much in the present moment that I hardly thought of my past anymore, and so the painful memories couldn’t derail me. I had, sometimes, though, allowed myself a brief indulgence. Of course, I’d imagined how it might happen, if my boys ever reached out, ever wanted to know me again.

Would they show up at my parents’ home or even at the ashram? What would they look like? How would they feel? Would they be angry, demanding answers? Or would they come with love and understanding? How would I feel? Would I cry. Would we hug?

I’d then let my mind snap back into silence and bliss, as it has become accustomed to doing, before it adhered itself to the idea that I would ever see my children again at all. Believing that I wouldn’t and getting on with my life was the only way to remain sane, at peace, and focused on my spiritual path.

Since I’d been back in England though, whenever I travelled around on foot, although I tried not to, I was aware that I would scan the tubes, busses, streets and buildings, just in case. Someone had told me that my elder son Jai lived and worked in the financial district of London and so, naturally, I couldn’t not think of my Jai and Veer going about their lives somewhere close by in the blur of the city’s faces.

And then, that day, it was a fantasy no more.

My darling Veer had been brave enough to question his reality of the past 14 years, ready to know more than he had been told growing up; courageous enough to forge a way, not so much like that of those around him, but of his own.

Veer longed for his mother with the same intensity and fervour that I had cried like a child to the Divine Mother to bring me Home to Her and make me Her own. And when the Mother hears Her child, She comes running with open arms ready to scoop them up.

And that’s exactly what happened, to us both.

If you’ve been following my posts for a while, you will know that I write regularly until I reach a stage in the story where I need some time to process the memories.

I was putting off the chapter following “She’s Inhumane…” because my biggest concern was how it would make my children feel if they came to know that side of the story.

They had been angry at me for years and the last thing I wanted was for that anger to rise again and re-direct toward their father.

I have nothing but love and gratitude in my heart for him and his wife. They did what I could not. Maanav and Maya gave our boys a beautiful home to grow up in and every comfort anyone could ask for. I know they love our children. And I say ‘our’ because they are our children, the three of ours’ – mine, Maanav’s and Maya’s.

Jai and Veer have grown into two tremendous young men. This is no doubt credited to their upbringing. If you ever read this, thank you, Maanav and Maya. I bow my head in heartfelt gratitude to you both. I know it could not have been an easy journey. Family life is never easy as it is and even more so when a parent and child are separated. But I know you did your best under the given circumstances. And above all, I know you love them. That’s all a mother could ask for.

Although Jai has not expressed a desire to reconnect with me, I am absolutely alright with that. I respect his wishes and his journey. I hold on to no expectation.

My darling Jai, I love you unconditionally. I hold you in my prayers and wish only joy and peace in your life. If that means I am not a part of it, it’s okay.  Be happy, be free, beta. And if you ever change your mind, if you ever need me, you know how to find me now. I am here, my arms wide open for you just as they are for Veer 🧡

In the time I have spent with Veer, I have been blown away by how tender his heart is. He is one of the kindest, most polite, thoughtful and helpful young men I have ever met.

And Veer showers me with the kind of LOVE that I have never experienced before, ever.

It’s absolutely unconditional, with zero judgment and so overwhelming that the tiniest loving gesture, look or word from him brings me to tears and leaves me in awe. He shows and tells me he loves me multiple times a day. Sometimes, I don’t know how to respond because I’ve never experienced this before. The last time I saw Veer, he was 8. Of course, he showed me he loved me with hugs and kisses when he was little, but the way he expresses himself now as a grown young man of 22 takes my breath away.

I tell Veer, I feel as if Bhagwan has taken a form in my son and come to show me what it feels like to be loved in the purest way possible, the Divine Way: baring everything and leaving nothing for an ego to sprout.

I feel as if this is how Swami ji, loves His mother, whom He so respectfully and lovingly calls Matarani. I have seen tiny glimpses of Swami ji’s affection for Matarani and I always thought it was unearthly.

Now, on this very Earth, my Mother Divine, my Swami ji has given me my son back and I experience this unearthly LOVE for myself. Our 14 years of vanvas exile is over and my Lord Rama has returned to his mother’s arms.

Because of Veer’s supreme understanding, I’m no longer worried about writing the next chapters detailing what happened after that court case. After hearing my truth, Veer in his gentle, saintly way, said, “Mama, you write whatever you need to heal. I hold no ill will towards anyone.”

Soon, I’ll also write about what it was like seeing my child again after all these years, how it happened and what’s happened since.

For now, I just wanted to tell you, my beautiful Merry Family, like in Swami ji’s most recent story, I got the son 😁🧡