49 – You Will Never Hurt Me Or My Child Again

by Merry Monk

To My Dear Merry Family,

As you may already know, after fourteen years of separation, I have recently reconnected with my younger son Veer. We have been learning much about each other’s lives and have been healing together. Veer has been the most incredible support system to me, and I couldn’t have written the next few chapters with the same clarity and sense of liberation I now feel. He’s filled in the blanks and helped me better understand what actually happened to us. It is with the strength and guidance from Veer (and his cheeky, loving smile as he sits by me now 😊), that I can share with you the rest of our story.

Veer would also like to thank you all for the support and kindness you have shown to us. He says he greatly appreciates it and sends love to each and every one of you.

 

 

The story continues below from the court hearing I wrote about in Chapter 47 here.

 

That hearing was the final act—the crushing, ruinous finale of our entire tragic saga. Maanav had won. He’d hoisted his academy award in the air with a taught fist and taken a bow. He had successfully convinced my own children, my babies, born of my flesh and love, that I was a critter—an evil one at that. And, little did I know, that wasn’t the worst of it.

As I’d written previously, in the beginning, everything was alright. Maanav used to communicate with me directly, and I saw Jai and Veer regularly. I picked Jai and Veer up from their respective school and nursery two or three days a week, and I spent some time with them either in the living room of their family home (as Maanav would still be at work), or we’d visit my mother, or, if the weather were nice, we’d go to a park – they loved the jungle gyms and climbing frames there. And every evening, whether I’d seen my boys that day or not, before they went to bed, I’d call them to say goodnight.

But all this drastically changed within just a few short months.

I left at the end of December, and although he told everyone he was heartbroken and upset, Maanav was already out partying to bring in the new year with his friends just days later.

On December 31st, I didn’t make any plans to go out to a celebratory party. How could I? My life as I knew it had just imploded. I was distraught; all I wanted was everything to be okay. I was a mess, and all I could think of was my children and how much of a failure I was.

On NYE, Jai and Veer’s grandparents kindly let me come to the house that night to put the boys to bed. After I’d settled Veer down in his cot in the nursery, Jai and I cuddled up together in his toddler-sized bed in his room.

We chatted, and I read our favourite books to him. He was only three-and-a-half years old, and I think he hadn’t grasped yet that his father and I had separated. I saw him most days and talked to him every day. So, to him, not much had changed. I always assured Jai that his father and I both loved him dearly and that I was spending some time in different places because I had some things to do.

Early on in the night, we did our own little countdown to the New Year and prayed for good things to come. Then, Jai fell asleep while we were cuddled up together like spoons. I dozed a bit then waited to silently bring in the real new year while he slept soundly in my arms. There was nowhere else in the world I wanted to be. I kissed sleeping Jai a Happy New Year and goodnight, and quietly slipped out of his little bed, and drove back to Millie’s living room floor in High Wycombe.

The next morning, Jai must have woken up crying. He was upset that I wasn’t there. This ticked Maanav off; he got angry at his parents for allowing me to come there and spend that time with Jai, saying it was damaging for the children. A mother choosing to cuddle up and read books with her son rather than go out partying was damaging? How so, Maanav?

Maanav could have easily explained the situation to Jai in the morning and calmed him down or telephoned me to speak to Jai, and he would have been absolutely fine. Three-year-olds go through all kinds of emotions, and with good parenting, bounce right back in no time. But instead, Maanav was twisting everything I did and was already changing the narrative in tiny Jai’s mind, that everything his mother was doing was wrong and damaging.

Maanav made sure I couldn’t come to the family house to see my children at bedtime anymore.

And when I asked him if I could have them with me overnight sometimes, he made it impossible. I couldn’t take Jai and Veer with me to Milli’s student house in High Wycombe for obvious reasons; the only other option would have been my parents’ home. In the beginning, he let me take Jai and Veer to visit my parents, but Maanav wouldn’t allow me to have them stay overnight with me there, saying their house was too small.

That didn’t make sense to me, because Maanav and I used to stay over at my parents’ house all the time; even when I was pregnant and Jai was little. We’d often be there on the weekends. We’d put mattresses down on the living room floor, and we had a travel cot for Jai. We always had a great time when we slept over there. Maanav loved it. He loved my mum. They were really close. He loved her cooking, especially.

When we were all together at my parents’ house, with my husband and children with me, I forgot about the abuse I’d suffered at my father’s hands. It was a joyous time; one of the happiest times of my life. But Maanav had decided that house wasn’t good enough for my children now, and that was that.

And so, as usual, I didn’t argue, and I did my best to see my children as much as possible in the daytime… until that was restricted too.

I wonder if it was because Maanav was deeply insecure and angry at me and wanted me to pay for leaving him. Was he the worst kind of narcissist, and I hadn’t realised this while he was love-bombing me? Was it his family who were guiding him to play a game and get full rights over my children? I know the way his father’s mind worked and how connected he was to his lawyers.

Or was it Maya? This new woman, fresh on the scene after a very unwell mother had separated from her husband not just two weeks before; was she just as insecure as Maanav and jealous too? Did her eyes light up at Maanav’s good looks, big house, nice cars and social standing as the only son of this affluent, well-known family? Was it her voice in Maanav’s ear, demanding that I be deleted from his life, and from my children’s memory?

If I am to believe what I’ve heard, Maanav and Maya met around two weeks after we’d separated, in January, ironically, at the same ball I had been planning with the community youth group in the months before I left. When Jai was still little, he’d told me the story of how they met, as told to him.

By mid-February, when I’d gone to the house to spend some time with Jai and Veer, Jai showed me a gift he’d recently received. It was a heart-shaped chocolate which wasn’t surprising as it had been Valentine’s Day just the day before (which would have been mine and Maanav’s wedding anniversary). I’d spent it alone, but Maanav had clearly been busy.

I asked Jai who the chocolate was from; he told me that ‘an aunty’ had given it to him. I asked him if he meant one of my sister-in-law’s friends, as he called them aunties too. Jai said that it was a new aunty; he said this aunty was Daddy’s friend, and he told me her name. I still didn’t get it then— who she was and who she would become. I didn’t think it was conceivable. Within two months of separating from his wife, the mother of his two children, one just turned three and one not quite seven months old, my husband couldn’t have already brought a new woman home to be integrated into the family and play mummy to my children.

I didn’t know then what awful lies he’d told her, my in-laws, all his family, our friends, and my sons’ teachers (I know some of that truth now thanks to Veer, and I’ll be writing about it later), but they all made me feel like everything was my fault. It felt like the message from the family was clear: I had left him so I had to deal with the consequences, and he could do whatever he liked.

I was made to feel like everything was my fault. I became completely submissive to Maanav and his family’s will. I couldn’t question or confront them. (I read somewhere that children brought up in abusive households will avoid conflict at all costs. That summed me up to a T. I still struggle with it to this day, although I’m getting better at it and learning to stand up for myself). In less than two months, all of my in-laws had accepted Maya along with the idea that I was an awful person and deserved the lack of communication and alienation that I got.

I was only twenty-one, ignorant and uneducated. I was still struggling with my mental health. I had not recovered from the postnatal depression; I had cold-turkey stopped taking the antidepressants I was on when I left my husband, and I couldn’t deal with the situation of Maanav and his family ganged up against me too. I had no family support of my own as my parents didn’t understand my situation either. My brother, my only sibling, never once called me to ask how I was doing; I was in touch with my mother from time to time, but our relationship was rocky. My father made his abhorrence of me clear. The typical Indian male view: ‘How dare my daughter bring shame on the family’. And he was more concerned about money and his business than anything else.

I had no professional guidance, nor did I even understand that I should be seeking legal advice. It wasn’t until I received the first paperwork from Maanav’s legal team about custody of the children that I even realised I needed a lawyer. He’d been cooking up a plan from the very start.

The saddest part in this whole saga, I feel, as I look back on it from the objective seat I now have, is that, I truly loved my husband and children. They were my world. I ended up leaving because I’d crumbled; I’d been through a lot in my few years, and I was very unwell and needed help. Nobody, not a single person, least of all myself, was evolved enough to see that.

Maanav, it seemed, took it personally.

Soon after Maanav and Maya met, the legal processes began. Whatever Maanav had said to Maya and his own family about me, made Maya sympathise with him and put the wheels of his father’s heavily funded legal team into motion.

Maanav and his father stopped at nothing to get us divorced and get my children taken away from me. And when I say nothing, I mean nothing; even going as far as tampering with court documents, submitting false evidence (more on all this later), and filling my children’s ears with devastating untruths so that they would hate me and never want to see me again.

It seemed that Maanav had no care for how it would affect the children. His only goal was to destroy me in everyone’s eyes and make me believe that I was an awful person.

And his plan was working. All I wanted was for my children to be okay, so, whenever they took another step to keep me further away from my babies, I didn’t fight it. I just assumed Maanav’s family knew best. I felt I didn’t deserve my children in my life. I believed, the further away I was from them, the better for them.

Although I truly believed I was a terrible person, my only saving grace for my children was that I also believed Maanav would take good care of them. I thought that they would be alright and that he would never harm them. Boy, was I wrong.

 

***

 

I have been through some of the worst atrocities that can possibly happen to a woman (there is still much left to write about in future chapters that aren’t even connected to my divorce and children), and I can tell you, without a doubt, that the one of most devastating, traumatic, painful experiences anyone can go through on this planet, in my opinion, is a mother alienated from her own children, made to feel that it’s her own and fault, and made to believe her children hate her.

Perhaps it’s because the most innate biological urge we have as humans is to reproduce; everything in our evolutionary history prioritises the survival of our species. We, mothers, especially, are programmed to develop a deep indissoluble bond with our offspring; our biology, hormonal makeup, psyche, in fact, every primitive sense, whether we like it or not, is designed for this. It’s perhaps why it’s so painful for those who yearn to be parents and are unable to. 

And, before I say this next part, I want to say that my heart goes out to all the parents whose children have gone back to God. A child’s death is immensely painful, and my love and prayers are with you.

It is indeed wholly unnatural in the order of things to lose a child, but had my children passed away, think about it, there would have been a funeral, there would have been finality. As their mother, even if I’d been a terrible one, I would have received some condolences, love and support from friends and family. That show of love would have been invaluable in helping me to heal and move on with my life.

But me; in the situation I was in, I got none of that. I got only whispers, judgement and abandonment from everyone I had ever cared about. And there was no finality for me. For years, I had no idea where in the world my children were or if I’d ever see them again.

The pain was too much. I simply couldn’t handle it. I died inside …

Until my guru Om Swami ji, my Krishna, rescued and resurrected me, until He made me whole again and gave me the strength to write my story; until the Universe returned my precious child to me, and until my most fierce Goddess Mother Kali blessed me with insight and Her superpower: fearlessness. 

Maanav, I’m not afraid of you anymore. You will never hurt me or my child again. In the end, the truth will always prevail.

 

30 comments

Naina Om Shah April 1, 2024 - 8:19 pm

It’s heartbreaking to read. For you to relive this is not easy at all, l know. I pray your writings will help someone going through similar challenges.
Veer, my deepest gratitude to you for giving your mum, unconditional love , and compassion. God bless you always 🙏 ❤️

Merry Monk April 2, 2024 - 9:26 am

Thank you, Mata ji. Veer is such a blessing. Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼 🧡

MeeraOm April 2, 2024 - 2:32 am

I understand Sushree ji. Yes I do.

Merry Monk April 2, 2024 - 9:27 am

Hugs to you, Meera ji. Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼 🧡

Gauri Om April 2, 2024 - 3:35 am

Omg. This is unreal. Why did you have to go through this dearest Sushreeji.
Love to dearest Veer and you. I hope Jai finds you too.
I have been through post natal depression and I cannot imagine you being all alone through this ordeal.
All glories to Swamiji for making you complete again and not to mention your own efforts Sushreeji.
Love you so much.

Merry Monk April 2, 2024 - 9:28 am

God bless you, Gauri ji. My love to you and Tara. Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼 🧡

Parvati Om April 2, 2024 - 9:36 am

Pranams Sushree Ji. 🙏It is heart breaking to read this. I don’t even dare the imagine the pain of a young mother separated from her toddlers. Wish you the very best and Praying for your health and wellbeing . What a blessing To receive Swamiji’s Grace , Healing and Protection. I pray that your other child Jai finds you too.♥️

Divya Om April 2, 2024 - 6:51 am

❤️😢🙏🏽🙇🏽‍♀️ You are incredible. All my love to Veer and you.

Merry Monk April 2, 2024 - 3:19 pm

Swami ji is incredible 🧡🧡🧡 Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼

Nancy om April 2, 2024 - 6:53 am

Jai Sri Hari Sushree ji . Sending you hugs and love .

Merry Monk April 2, 2024 - 3:18 pm

Much love to you too, Nancy 🙂🧡 Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼

Sri Ram Om April 2, 2024 - 9:23 am

Wishing strength and healing 🙏

Merry Monk April 2, 2024 - 3:18 pm

Thank you, Sri Ram ji. Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼🧡

Parvati Om April 2, 2024 - 9:37 am

Pranams Sushree Ji. 🙏It is heart breaking to read this. I don’t even dare the imagine the pain of a young mother separated from her toddlers. Wish you the very best and Praying for your health and wellbeing . What a blessing To receive Swamiji’s Grace , Healing and Protection. I pray that your other child Jai finds you too.♥️

Merry Monk April 2, 2024 - 3:17 pm

Thank you, Parvati ji. We are so blessed to have found Swami ji, indeed 🧡 God bless you always. Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼

Rahul Sharma April 2, 2024 - 3:29 pm

No words, humble obeisance Diya ji.

Merry Monk April 3, 2024 - 9:34 am

Pranam, Rahul ji. God bless you always. Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼🧡

Manjari Om April 4, 2024 - 6:47 am

I am amazed how you have survived all the pain and trauma and yet be so loving and kind!!! You are all love!! 🙏

Aditi Om April 2, 2024 - 5:28 pm

I don’t know what kind of emotions you and Veer must be going through. How hard it is to revisit those memories I can’t imagine, may Baba gives you strength, fearlessness and love. It just feels unreal how far a person can go and project an illusionary image of another human being …. As you said, Truth nust prevail… Pranaam Diya ji lots of love ♥️♥️

Merry Monk April 3, 2024 - 9:36 am

Thank you, Aditi. Veer has made me so proud, bravely wanting to understand the truth. It hasn’t been easy for him. Lots of love to to you too! 🧡 Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼

Hasu April 3, 2024 - 3:04 am

You are an amazing person Diyaji … it’s unfortunate you have gone through such difficult times
Praying for strength and healing for you and Veer .. truth will prevail
Lots of love ❤️

Merry Monk April 3, 2024 - 9:44 am

I feel it’s all for a reason, Hasu ji. Somehow I know I wanted these experiences. Bhagwan is the only thing worth striving for, in any lifetime. I never want to forget that, no matter what it takes. Thank you and your family for all your love and kindness. Jai Sri Hari! 🙏🏼🧡

Ravi Sinha April 4, 2024 - 11:13 am

I am speechless….Revered Swamiji is putting the blocks in place. However, it’s the inner strength in you too that has got you where you are now. I am glad I was a miniscule part in that journey. So happy for you

Merry Monk April 5, 2024 - 2:38 pm

He definitely is. Just having His darshan is such a blessing. Thank you, Ravi. Jai Sri Hari!

Ravi Sinha April 4, 2024 - 11:30 am

Much love and hugs to Veer. Forgot that essential part in my last comment.

Merry Monk April 5, 2024 - 2:40 pm

Thank you, Ravi ji. That’s so thoughtful. Jai Sri Hari!

Satish Bhattarai April 4, 2024 - 1:29 pm

Dear Diya Ji, you are brave, you are strong and above all , extreme grace is on your side. Lots of love to you and Veer. Thank you Veer, Thank you Gurudev ❤️🙏

Merry Monk April 5, 2024 - 2:41 pm

God bless you, Satish ji. Jai Sri Hari!

Prachi Om April 5, 2024 - 5:18 pm

Dear Sushree ji,

Heartbreaking to know all that happened. But now Veer by your side, I can sense your fearlessness more….more power and love to you Sushreeji.
♥️

Juveria Azeem May 5, 2024 - 7:32 am

God loved you a lot Diya ji so he made you pass through this test..
Not every human will have this level of strength to bear the pain.. you have been through a lot but you succeeded at the end ..came out with flying colours! You are a living legend for me!

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