The Beautiful Breaking Point

Life is hard. Like really hard. For practically everybody. I don’t know anyone who’s had a completely easy life from day dot.

I knew I’d had a relatively tough first few innings, but before I began meeting people in a spiritual capacity and listening to their stories, I couldn’t even begin to imagine the unspeakable atrocities, the loss, the grief, the daily struggles, the physical and mental health, financial, relationship, family, and work stress in people’s lives; people who are not far away in an obscure poverty-stricken country or an ambiguous face in a documentary, but right in front of me on a daily basis.

You, reading this, are very likely to be going through any number of difficulties right now or are seeing a loved one struggling and might feel helpless watching them suffer.

Although I now walk the spiritual path and I’m in my blissful state most of the time, let me tell you, it doesn’t mean that all my problems just melt away. In fact, at times, it feels as if with each year that passes, the Divine Mother of the Universe throws more challenges my way just to see how Her child will manage.

I remember Swami ji playfully saying once during a temple discourse, “If anyone thinks they’re enlightened, they should go and spend a couple of weeks with their family.” Not that I think I’m enlightened, far from it, but for Him to say that shows just how difficult worldly relationships are to navigate peacefully.

As some of you may know, I’ve been in England, away from my home in the ashram, for the past fourteen months to help my parents. VP (my father) is on palliative care, my brother is a mental health patient, incapable of helping, and Naina Mataji (my mother) herself is a heart patient, so when I heard that VP was in a high dependency unit and needed round-the-clock care and Naina Mataji was having an emotional breakdown, I came here to support them. VP came home from the hospital for a few months and is now, with Swami ji’s Grace, living in a wonderful nursing home nearby and has constant professional care.

The past year, naturally, has been extremely challenging for us all. My parents and brother are forced to sell the family home to pay off their debts and sort out everyone’s accommodation needs, including mine. I am very grateful for this. I’ve been homeless and couch-surfing since I got here, and I am very grateful to our friends and family, who very kindly allowed me to stay in their homes for a few months at a time until we managed to sort out a more permanent solution. I can now move in with Naina Mataji and have a place for my son over to stay with us. Change is, of course, daunting, when my family have lived the same way for decades, but I know Swami ji is taking good care of us, and it all had to happen for everyone’s best interest.

But what does all this have to do with the title of this post? Well, it’s a bit of an update but also the background to a beautiful revelation.

You see, I’d taken my vows six years ago to dedicate my life to the path of Sadhana for the benefit of others, and in that time, although mentally I had declared to the Universe, to God, “You are my everything,” I hadn’t realised that in my heart I wasn’t practising my vow; I still held so much expectation from others, aside from God, especially from my family. Being here in England this past year has shown me just how much my ego still held on to the expectation that my family members should love me, respect me, be kind to me, not judge me, and especially not try to hurt me, dupe me, lie to me etc.

God finally shattered that last ounce of attachment to this idea. I won’t go into the details, but this Chaitra Navratri (nine consecutive nights dedicated to celebrating the Divine Feminine) that began on April 1^st this year, I finally broke… beautifully.

Up until that moment, in these challenging times, I had continued to put all my trust in people around me. As Swami ji had once explained to me, it’s like we wrap a tendril around the wrong tree and hold on tight, thinking this person will be a confidant, someone I can be vulnerable with, someone who will protect me and to enjoy the winding, twisted path of life with, whether it be a friend, a lover, a family member or a likeminded person walking the spiritual path too. When each time it didn’t work out, I felt devastated. I wallowed in self-pity; victim mode. Well, not anymore. I remember Swami ji saying that when you progress on the path, when you meditate properly, you reach a stage where you stop caring, in a good way. You remain compassionate and give out love, but the actions of others bother you less and less. You learn to rise above them.

Something else I learned from Swami ji that was a huge eye-opener was that until we realise otherwise, everyone thinks other people think the same way they do. If you are a kind, truthful, trusting person, you believe everyone else is too. And if you are conniving, manipulative, selfish and a liar, you generally assume that everyone else is too. People who are too trusting get eaten alive by the liars because they never see it coming, until the Universe deals them lesson after lesson, and they finally get it.

If you’re following my Wildr account, you would have seen that recently I posted the quote by Lawrence Welk:

Never trust anyone but God. Love people, but put your full trust only in God.

Yes, hallelujah, I finally get it. The years of lessons and this April of heartbreak and tears were worth it. I will never expect any person in my orbit to behave fairly because, let’s face it, this world is a selfish place, and nobody understands everybody else.

Even if you have the best intentions, there is every chance you will be misunderstood and crucified.

Every relationship is truly transactional, temporary and selfish, except your relationship with God, i.e. your higher self.

People will only be good to you when they are getting something from you, be it attention, money, respect etc.

In adversity, the ones whom you trust the most will show their true colours…

…just as you will show yours. You or they might shout or cry out of frustration like a child would, but can you stay humble, have good intentions and not make vicious personal attacks? Can you handle such conflict and not have to regret later some damaging words that have slipped out? Can you try to understand the other person’s intentions and return to a peaceful state quickly and forgive just as quickly? Don’t hold grudges. See every challenge as a gift, an opportunity to grow, to learn, to become a better person.

People are just people. The only one you can truly trust is God.

When it finally dawns, not just theoretically, but when life experience drums it into you, you will no doubt break, because it is indeed heart-breaking when your loved ones break your trust and put themselves first to your detriment, but then you will be beautifully free.

When you can stand up for yourself maturely, when you don’t slip up and become nasty in adversity, when you live a kind, humble life having only good intentions with true empathy, and no longer expect anything from anyone, you will feel so light, it’s beyond words.

Instead of putting people on a pedestal and expecting them to make me happy, I have to make myself so pure that I become worthy of the God/deity whom I worship, whom I have seated in my heart. I have to keep my thoughts so pure and so kind that God stays there.

So, whatever you’re going through right now, trust fully in God/yourself and have zero expectation from everyone else. You will never feel let down again. It’s absolute freedom.

My obeisance at my guru Om Swami ji’s feet for every lesson and every realisation. I’m getting stronger and stronger because of You and Your blog posts and Your videos, Swami ji. Words will never be enough to show my gratitude 🙏🏼

This post is dedicated to Juveria, the amazing superwoman who is choosing to fight very aggressive cancer for the sake of her young children, and who inspires me to keep writing. Thank you, Juveria. God bless you and your family always 🧡