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Since I first read this poem, the imagery of the Divine as the archer, the parent as the bow, and the children as arrows has stayed with me. Gibran’s words carry the wisdom of ages.

With this in mind, before we go any further with my story, I wanted to share a few points from my experiences that might be worth considering as parents.

 

The worst thing you can do for your children

Absolutely no child needs to be slapped, pinched, hit or anything of the sort. Harsh words or threats are not necessary either. This will cause a lifetime of damage. If you’re dealing with your children with anger instead of love, the problem is you, not them. It’s okay to be firm, but it’s not okay to take your anger out on them. Seek help. Meditate. Break the habit patterns of the mind that make you feel anger in the first place. See your children as the divine innocent beings they are, and understand just how much the tiniest things you do affect them.

Of course, you’ll have disagreements as a couple, but please never raise your voices in front of your kids, or even when you think they’ve gone to bed. It’s like a little extra sensory power we have, that when parents argue somewhere in the house, even at night, the vibrations reach us and jolt us awake. I say us here because even though I am no longer a child, it’s been my experience.

If you want to sort out a problem as a couple, do it away from the children, in a public place, over a dessert perhaps (no alcohol, as it will only heighten emotions) and have a real conversation. Communicate sincerely. Listen to each other respectfully. Hashing out your issues in a public place means you’ll probably speak quietly and you won’t end up shouting at each other… hopefully!

 

Are you paying attention?

Even if there are no major arguments in your household between you and your children or you and your partner, just a lack of mental presence of one or both parents who live in the same house can be enough to make a child feel neglected and cause lasting damage. Sending them off to school all day, then allowing them to entertain themselves or be glued to a screen while you unwind after work and do your own thing will eventually come back to bite you in the you know where. And it could get pretty painful. Be present. Pay attention to them.

Remember, your job as a parent doesn’t end when your paid employment ends. You might punch out at the office, but you have to punch in again when you get back home, full of the same enthusiasm, if not more, than you had in the morning, as you now begin the family shift. Unless you are a single parent, expecting one partner to do it all doesn’t work. Both parents need to be in sync. Both parents need to know their children and spend quality time with them.

 

The biggest gift you can give your children

From my perspective, the biggest gift you can give to your children is to throw all taboos and judgment about sex and relationships out the window. As Om Swami ji mentions in this post, we are biological creatures with all kinds of hormonal and chemical reactions going on. And especially so when we are at a certain age, romance and relationships consume almost all our thoughts. 

Yes, your children will be thinking about sex and having all sorts of dreams and exploring themselves; it’s completely normal, and might I add, quite healthy at that age. I know of too many young people, men, especially, who thought they were doing something ‘sinful’ and disgusting and were ridden with guilt about the frequency of it.

Perhaps parents could listen more to their children and guide them? Perhaps explain that it’s normal, but if thoughts take over and cause unrest, teach them how they could deal with such challenges. As Swami ji said recently, sometimes the only way to overcome a desire is to walk through it. Simply telling them not to do something or keeping it a taboo isn’t going to work.  

Why do we ostracise the most natural instincts humans have? Why can’t all parents talk to their children openly about relationships, love, sex, sexual preferences, masturbation, menstruation, mood swings and contraception? What they will learn from you in a trusting, responsible environment, and what they will learn from school and their friends, are completely different perspectives. Your children should not feel ashamed to speak to you about something so natural, so innate and right there in our biology.

And yes, your children might fall head over heels in love with someone you don’t approve of and perhaps get their hearts broken, and they’ll feel like it’s the end of the world; that’s absolutely normal, too. But who would you rather have pick up the pieces, you or the next love interest they fixate on? Your children need to know that they can come to you to share their heartbreak as well as joy.

Your children need to know they can feel safe talking to you about their mistakes as well as their successes, and learn from you.

 

What other people think

A big part of the culture I grew up in is worrying too much about what other people think. Really think about it. Why do we give such a damn about what other people think? I mean, wouldn’t you rather raise happy, healthy children over caring about what that auntie or neighbour thinks? Does it really matter so much?

Why can’t we own our actions and hang out the laundry? You might surprise yourself as it gets cleaned and refreshed in the rain and the sun. And the truth is, most people actually don’t care to think that much about you. Besides, the gossip-mongers have a closet full of skeletons and dirty laundry, too. Nobody’s family is full of angels. As Christ said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

 

Pick your battles

If you’re nagging your kids about every little thing, they are undoubtedly going to tune you out at some point. There are times when the parent just has to let it go. Smile, grit your teeth if you have to! But smile, breathe, and let it go. Kids will be kids. We were all naughty little monkeys at some point. Yes, you too. You know you got up to all kinds of mischief. Let kids make a mess, or be lazy at times, or whatever is coming up at the time.

Say your child wants to stay under the covers and doesn’t want to go to school. Instead of nagging at them, what if you had a trusting relationship with them? This can take time if the bond is weak. Do what you can to build it.

Be gentle, get to the crux of the matter. Perhaps they’re not sleeping well at night, perhaps they ate dinner too late, or went to bed too late, perhaps something, or someone is bothering them at school, perhaps they are unwell or need a health check, maybe just better nutrition. Perhaps they really are just being lazy or dont want to open up to you right now. That’s also okay. Let it go sometimes. The more you nag, the more they’ll want to stay under the covers, and the less likely they will be to open up to you.

Approach every conversation with love. You can be firm but never lose your cool. If you feel yourself getting angry, try to give them a loving gesture, like a kiss on the head, and tell them you’ll talk about it later. Communicate again when you’re calm. Keep actively building your relationship with them.

 

Do as I do, not as I say

Remember that children will mimic your behaviour. If you smoke, get high, drink, party, argue, fight, work too many hours, or are lazy and neglect your family’s needs, they probably will too. If you live a balanced work/home life, eat well, sleep well, read, pray, meditate, work out, spend time in nature and creative pursuits, and are kind to others, they probably will too.

And children are smart; you absolutely cannot be a hypocrite. Lying in bed, watching your favourite TV serial and shouting through the walls at your overweight son to get himself to the gym isn’t going to cut it. They will only do what they see you do.

They will also learn to manage their stress in the same way that you do. Think about how you would want them to manage their stress when they have a family of their own. Start practising the same for yourself, now, before it really is too late. 

 

Know thy child

Really get to know them. Understand what makes them tick and what makes them sink. Take an interest in your children’s interests and activities in and outside of the house, too.

Do you notice what makes your child’s face light up, and what makes their body language shrink? 

Do you know your children’s favourite school subjects and why they like some and don’t like others? Do you know what they love? Sports? Music? What kind?

Do they like to create things, build things, fix things, or even dismantle them? Do they love chess or graffiti art? Do they like the mountains or the sea, animals or plants? Even just from looking at pictures or a documentary together. Have you asked them which memorable books they’re reading and who their favourite authors are? Do you know who their favourite teachers are and why?

 

Teachers

As a huge chunk of a child’s life is spent under the care of their teachers, so give them credit where it’s due. Every day, teachers make a difference in a child’s life. A teacher may even change the course of a child’s life entirely, yet in most countries, they are undervalued and underpaid. Do you know the teachers and other role models in your children’s lives well? Have you ever sincerely thanked your children’s teachers? Have you ever sincerely thanked your teachers?

 

Pets

Getting a dog, or any pet for that matter, is a wonderful way to bond with your children and a wonderful antidote to depression. If you can’t afford to keep a pet, or cannot have one at home for other reasons, you can offer to dog-walk or dog-sit together as a family: love and laughter guaranteed! Should you wish to dog-sit as an act of kindness, there are apps that you can use to connect with dog owners in your area. Even if you want to do this just for yourself, it’s wonderful. I’ve done this plenty of times, and it always brings me great joy!

 

And now for the kiddos!

Now, for all you delightful, and not so delightful (like me), kiddos, teens and tweens reading this, give your parents a break, man! 😊 They’re working day and night to give you everything you eat, wear, sleep on, sit on, play with, and more. They might not be the best parents in the world, but they are yours. They probably had a fantastic life before you came along and messed it all up 😅 They saw things and did things you couldn’t even dream of! And yes, they were, in fact, ‘cool’ 😎 before you popped out and made their world all about you and sleepless nights and dirty diapers.

So, try to be grateful for every single thing they give you and teach you. Right now, it feels like they’ll be around forever, but the reality is, they won’t. Do you want to spend the rest of your adult years after they’ve gone wishing you’d respected them more, shared more with them, listened to them more, understood them more? Now is the time to do it, before it’s too late.

Were my parents perfect?  Of course not. Nobody is perfect. But, I know they didn’t exactly get dealt with by a feather hand when they were kids, and they were under a lot of stress. I can’t change the past. But I can try to understand their behaviour, help them realise that we can be kinder to each other, and forgive.

Aren’t we all just as blind as each other in this world, flailing our arms around in our ignorance? Nobody has it all figured out, not even your parents. In fact, there are so many things you can help them with. They grew up in an era that was so different from yours. Their values were different, perhaps. Not right or wrong, just different. 

They’re just trying to catch up while your generation is evolving at breakneck speed. They’re actually trying, so go easy on them. I wish I’d had this advice when I was younger. No matter how tough it was, it would have made some difference. 

 

A final word

I hope and pray that the parents and young ones reading this will never have to experience what my family and I went through, but if you have and you’re still holding on to the pain, please read this part carefully.

There are so many potential ‘What if’s’ in every post in this series thus far. But here’s the thing with life: we don’t get a do-over, what has happened has happened. Life can be very, very messy.

Blaming others for everything gets us nowhere. We make healing impossibly difficult if we play the blame game and hold on to the hurt. If you’ve decided to stay depressed or angry at certain people, then not even God can help you.

Bad things happen to good people and vice versa; people hurt other people, intentionally and unintentionally, all the time. Children and innocents are in the line of fire daily. It’s unjust, it’s downright unfair at times, but knowing that doesn’t change anything.

And as I mentioned to a couple of people recently:

My story is just a tiny leaf in the giant book of our lives. The circumstances might not be the same, but we have all gone through the same emotions at some point.

 

Acceptance, that it is what it is, and thinking about how to make the best of the situation now is a huge part of the healing process.

If someone has really hurt you, you can pursue a legal route, and you don’t have to keep that person in your life or ever see them again, but for your own sake and sanity, the past has to be let go of. They are not in your mind; you’re only hurting yourself by thinking about them.

So, parents and children learn from each other and forgive each other for everything, all the time. Sincere forgiveness is your only lifeline outta this mess. Empty yourself of all the things that have been weighing you down. Let go of everything, throw your hands up in the air, sing, dance, shake that thang! Shake off the last bits of the dry, old, useless casing that’s holding you back and emerge as that beautiful butterfly you were always meant to be!

Fly, be free!

You may also wish to read Om Swami ji’s book, The Children of Tomorrow, for His wonderful take and advice on mindful parenting.

 

(Originally published on os.me on February 16, 2021)