Before we go any further with the story, I felt this might be a good time to pause and discuss some of the issues the last couple of chapters raised.
Many of you might be surprised to read that I was an unmarried, pregnant seventeen-year-old. Perhaps the fact that I was already sexually active before the legal age in the UK might be shocking to you, too.
The truth of the matter is that underage and premarital sex happens. And more than some of you might think. Across all cultures and geography. The only difference is the country’s legislation and how acceptable or frowned upon it is in one culture over another. And, sadly, these cultural and societal judgements can be devastating.
I’m definitely not saying all teenagers should be out there practising baby-making. But let me give you a scenario. Your unmarried, teenage daughter is pregnant and doesn’t tell you because she’s ashamed and afraid you will judge her:
A) Assuming you live in a country such as India* where it’s not legal for a healthy, sane, unmarried woman to terminate a healthy pregnancy (that was not the result of rape); your daughter doesn’t tell you and goes off to a back-alley practitioner who performs the procedure leaving her at high risk of infection and other complications, that could even result in death.
B) You live in a country where it is legal, and without telling you, she books an appointment and terminates the pregnancy.
The first scenario puts her life at risk, and although she is physically safer in the second, the emotional burden plus the upsurge of hormones could take a massive toll on her mental state. Even emergency contraception (which can be taken up to 72 hours after unprotected sex) is not without notable side effects that disrupt a woman’s physiology and affect her mental health. The termination of a pregnancy can also send a woman into long-term depression and PTSD due to the guilt and emotional burden, and in some cases, the act of suicide (I know this because I went through exactly this. I’ll write about this in a future chapter.)
In either case, would you rather your daughter go through the process by herself? Or would you be able to put aside everything you feel about the situation and focus on what’s best for her well-being?
And what if abortion weren’t an option, and the father wasn’t around or unable to step up? Would you be able to provide your daughter with a safe, loving environment for your grandchild? And if that wasn’t an option, due to finances, for example, would you be able to give her all the loving care she needed during her pregnancy to deliver a healthy child that could someday become a well-loved adopted baby?
Could you choose compassion and understanding and step up to be the parent and prospective grandparent she needs, despite what your prior beliefs are, or what your colleague, aunt, or neighbour might say?
What is it about the opinions of others that makes us turn against the best interests of our own?
Millions of women have been beaten up, cast out of their homes, forced to give up their babies or have abortions, or even be brutally killed, simply for doing what Nature has designed us to do.
Women have gone through enough trauma because their families are more concerned about what others will think of them. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: who cares what others think? Those who have something to say usually have more dirty laundry to hide than they’d care to admit. And once they’ve cast a few stones at you, then what? They go back to their petty gossip circles, and all you’re left with is lasting trauma and anguish within your own family.
All our hormones and emotions are geared towards finding a partner and procreating for the sake of the human race. It’s basic biology. It’s what comes to us most naturally. How can it then be a sin? When has God ever appeared on Earth and told us it is a sin and goes against ‘His plan’? Did God write the scriptures? No. Man did. Or, to be more specific, men did.
What if you stopped giving a damn about what others think and chose compassion every time?
What if you stepped up and gave your child all the love, understanding, and support they needed?
As a parent, before you ever find yourself in such a situation with your daughter (or your son, having gotten his sexual partner pregnant), let them know from as young as possible that they can talk to you about these things. Show them through your consistent actions and behaviour that you will listen to them and be supportive. You will save so much anguish and torment.
What if you talked to your child openly about contraception even before the age you think they’d be sexually active?
In some Western cultures, it’s not unheard of for a girl of fourteen or fifteen years old, even if she’s not sexually active yet, to receive contraceptives with the signed consent of a parent or legal guardian. This might sound preposterous to some of you, but think about it, wouldn’t you rather assume that your daughter is sexually active (or thinking about becoming active) and has taken all the proper precautions, than assume she isn’t, never discussing it with her, then one day discovering she’s pregnant or suffering after a termination.
I’m in no way saying every fourteen-year-old girl should be on the pill, but this is the choice some parents and daughters have made, and it works for them. The more options you know about, the more informed choices you can make.
Also, being overly strict with your children, restricting where they go and who they go out with, is not guaranteed to prevent. In fact, it wouldn’t be surprising if it made them more likely to rebel. When lovebirds with raging hormones want it, they will find a way through all your rules and expectations. My parents are classic examples; they ran away to get married because of the severe restrictions put upon my mother.
Apart from the very basic sex education at school, I really didn’t know enough about contraception. It’s not something my parents ever discussed with me. And even though my boyfriend was eight years older than me, at twenty-five, he didn’t know enough either. Ideally, I should have been on the pill, and we should have used a condom every single time. We didn’t because he told me we didn’t need to, and that if he pulled out in time, it would be okay. It wasn’t. It never is. It is always a risk.
Although he was more experienced than I was, it’s clear he still didn’t have the correct information. Sex education in schools, banter between friends, and all the conflicting information on the Internet aren’t enough. Parents must get good, up-to-date information and communicate with their children about sex, babies, disease and contraception.
The combination of contraceptives and a condom is the only thing that is going to save your child from an unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, which are just as rife as the common cold, and even then, nothing is 100% effective, other than celibacy.
I once read somewhere about an ancient indigenous community that allowed their children after puberty to go off and live their lives, following their biological instincts as nature intended. There was no concept of marriage and no sense of ownership over partners or children.
Babies were brought up under the care and wisdom of grandparents, usually a collective community of them. These wiser, experienced elders taught the children how to live and work in harmony with nature. and instilled in them spiritual values. The parents visited the children frequently as they grew up, but continued to live without being bound by duty until they chose to live differently. I read that the children grew up well-balanced in such harmonious communities.
Imagine if that were the kind of society we lived in today. Imagine if there were no such thing as marriage. What if we didn’t put any expectations on our young adults?
Have you ever questioned why you believe what you believe? Do you think all your opinions are correct? Have you ever thought about where these opinions come from? Ever wondered what life would be like if we didn’t have the societal expectations that we have now?
I wonder what your reaction might be, for example, if you heard from gossip mongers that your unmarried neighbour was pregnant. Perhaps judgment? But what if she were a financially independent woman who had chosen to be inseminated, for example, to bring a child into this world without a husband, by choice?
What if she were healthy, successful, and full of love, ready to be a mother? Would your opinion of her change then? Thankfully, times are changing, and the views on pregnancy and marriage with them, but in some cultures faster than others.
Do we want to be stuck in the past and cause grief to our children and possible unborn grandchildren just because of a point of view which less and less of the world now shares, or are we ready to bravely empower our children, arming them with knowledge, wisdom and our trust?
Are we ready to accept that anything could happen to our children, and they need love, wisdom and support to make decisions that lead to peace and not more suffering?
Now, to the teens, tweens/young adults reading this, if you’re even just thinking about having sex for the first time or if you’re already sexually active, remember that nothing except abstinence is 100% effective. Think hard about the consequences of being sexually active:
- An unplanned pregnancy out of wedlock in a world full of judgment and expectations is going to be extremely hard to manage, whether you choose to continue with the pregnancy or terminate it.
- Even in countries where abortion is freely available, it does not warrant reckless behaviour. The physical, emotional and mental after-effects can be devastating and break one down completely (I speak from experience).
- Get all the correct information about contraception from teachers and family planning clinics, not your friends. Most importantly, approach your parents if you can, for information and advice. Build a relationship with them where you can trust each other and speak openly about everything. Trust me, there’ll be times when you will goof up in general in life, and they’ll be the best people to help you out as long as you keep that line of communication open between you.
- And all you lovely, young lads out there, if you’re not ready to be a dad just yet, please don’t try to convince yourself or tell the girl it’s not needed. It’s always needed. So put a sock in it and put a sock on it 🙂 … every single time.
For those who haven’t yet read it, please go here for Om Swami ji’s take on Sex and Spirituality.
*Update: In September 2022, the Supreme Court of India ruled that women, married or unmarried, are entitled to a safe and legal abortion up to 20 weeks of pregnancy and up to 24 weeks in special circumstances.
(Originally published on os.me on May 18, 2021)