March 1999. The devastating postnatal depression cloud that had lingered over my head for those months was lifting, and for a few weeks before the Easter weekend, I was feeling better and better each day.
My relationship with my husband was better too, and as I wasn’t breastfeeding, he and I were out from time to time, to dinners with wine and enjoying the bars and clubs of London again with our friends. We were blessed to have my in-laws at home to watch over Jai. And as I was at home all day, every day with Jai, my mother-in-law and her mother-in-law, it was nice to have some time with my husband and a change of scenery. I was still only eighteen years old and still loved to go out dancing just like I did in my Molly Way days.
Before we went out, I’d bathe Jai, give him a massage and his bedtime bottle and then read to him a little before laying him down for the night.
Jai adored our reading time together. Ever since he was just a few days old, many times a day, you’d find us lying down on our backs next to each other, and I’d be holding a book up over our heads so Jai could focus on it. I’d read to him from brightly illustrated storybooks or poems or nursery rhymes with a nice rhythm, tracing the words on the pages with my finger so his eyes could follow them.
There was one book in particular that Jai loved best, So Much by Trish Cooke. It was my favourite too. It still is. It’s about a baby whose family love him, you guessed it, SO MUCH! (While writing this chapter, I was searching for the book online and found some delightful videos of it being narrated with the pictures. This is one of them. They brought back some wonderful memories!)
I read it to Jai over and over again. As Jai got used to the intonation and patterns in my voice, he knew each time I was about to say ‘Ding Dong!’ and what was coming next. He’d get so excited, waving his tiny fists and kicking his legs. As he got a little older, he’d try to make sounds too. At just three months old, to look at him, you’d think he was reading along with me in his baby babble.
Once Jai had settled into his routine, he was a dream of a baby. Within a couple of months, he slept throughout the night, and we knew his timings precisely. It meant it was much easier to make plans day or night as we knew when he’d be awake or hungry. If Maanav and I wanted to go out in the evenings, we could put Jai to bed and leave the baby monitor with his grandparents or aunties.
Most evenings, Jai’s bath time was a family affair. With his dad, grandparents (sometimes both sets), aunties and uncle eager to rush back from school or work to ooh and aah over him, we’d crank up the living room fireplace after dinner together, making it cosy and toasty, all ready for Jai’s own personal baby spa. On the rug in front of the fireplace, I bathed him in his little bathtub with a calming lavender baby wash. He loved bathtime so much. He’d lie back serenely, sometimes kicking playfully, enjoying the feel of the warm water over him and the adoring faces of the family around.
Then I’d wrap him up in a cute plush towel with a hood, the kind with little bear ears on it, so he looked like the cutest little, fluffy baby bear and hug him close. By the time I’d given him a warm oil massage and dressed him in his jimjams, he was so relaxed that he’d sometimes fall asleep right there on the changing mat. Maanav would gently lift him in his arms and take him upstairs. We’d sit together to feed Jai in a dimly lit room and read him a story in hushed tones before lowering him into his crib with a kiss. He went down like the content, little baby that he was. So when Maanav and I went out, leaving the baby monitor with his grandparents, we knew he’d be absolutely fine, and we’d enjoy the night without any worry.
Now we were all settled into our routine, and life had returned as much as possible to normal, I was feeling broody again. I loved Jai so much that I wanted to have another little one, just like him.
It was also important to me for Jai to have a sibling close in age. My brother and I were born exactly a year apart (we even celebrated our birthdays jointly), and we’d been so close as little kids (although that changed when we got older), it was very special. I really wanted Jai to have that closeness, a playmate and best friend at home with him. I was overjoyed to find out that we were pregnant again when Jai was just 4 months old.
The rest of the household were abroad for the Easter Holidays at the end of March, and it was just Maanav, the baby, and me at home. We didn’t know then that I was already pregnant when they left. I was feeling absolutely fine. No morning sickness, nothing. It wasn’t until a couple of days after they’d left that I realised I’d missed my period and did a test confirming that baby number two was on the way. Excitedly, I imagined Jai and his little brother or sister growing up together, playing together, going to school together, studying together. Maybe they’d do all that and have the same circle of friends like my brother and I did when we were little. I thought that would be lovely.
Mother Nature had other plans, though.
The month of April began as it always did with April Fool’s Day. Perhaps it was Nature’s time to play along.
(Originally published on os.me on November 29, 2022)