I didn’t even know I was a victim of child sexual abuse until I was much older. That what had happened, the way he touched me, was actually inappropriate behaviour between an adult and a child.
It wasn’t until I learned about nudity and sex in the conventional sense that the realisation dawned on me. When my brother and I both opened up, I struggled to accept that the person whom I loved, who I felt loved us, actually had another agenda when we were playing what I thought were games or receiving a gesture of love from him. It made me shudder to think of what I had blocked out and what my brother remembers. The process of digesting that was confusing and painful, but it did help me to understand why I couldn’t connect to certain people and why I didn’t have healthy intimate relationships.
So who’s to blame?
Firstly, it is not your fault.
Recently, someone, obviously very ignorant and ironically wearing spiritual robes, too, tried to tell me that it was my own fault. She told me that I was the kind of person who attracted such behaviour.
People like this woman are what is wrong with society, and why children of abuse are afraid to speak up. Not only are we afraid no one will believe us, but at some level, we feel we did something wrong. The guilt that runs with it is so real. If someone in spiritual robes can say what she said to a victim of child sexual abuse, we have a very serious problem. A hell of a lot of inner work needs to be done by the monks of our world before we can even dare to declare to ourselves that we are on the path of Love and Truth.
The old me would have probably let myself believe her, or let her push me deeper into the darkness, but the new, stronger me, thanks to Swami ji, shut her down immediately.
Never let anyone in any position of authority, spiritual, governmental, medical or any other, allow you to believe the humongous lie that it’s your fault, in any way, shape or form.
Not only are you not to blame…
But at a deeply spiritual level, I have realised: nobody is.
Through my years of healing, with Divine Grace, I see the bigger picture, I see the abusers themselves have a story too, and sadly, for some, it’s that they were victims of abuse themselves. It doesn’t excuse what they did, and there are, of course, many who didn’t suffer abuse, but if we can see that everyone is a product of their conditioning, it helps our own healing. I have now truly forgiven the old man and my other abusers (which I’ll write about later). I know this because the thought of them no longer evokes any negative emotion in me.
To the parents and carers, no matter how much we love someone, no matter how hard we try to protect them, innumerable factors can cause a child to end up in a vulnerable situation. The child’s parent or carer has to let go of the guilt, too. We can love and protect our children as much as possible, but we can’t control everything that others do.
I’m fascinated by the human psyche, by what drives someone to behave in a particular way, to become a saint, or to go the other way and commit atrocious acts, take advantage of others or hurt them. I’ve been thinking about it for a while now, and this might be controversial for me to say, but, I think I have far more sympathy for criminals who suffered abuse as children than for a person who never suffered abuse but walks around with an air of superiority; for example, the kind who thinks they are always right, that they don’t need to apologise, who thinks they are better than others, the kind of person blinded by power and greed, who doesn’t acknowledge or is rude to their employees or a server at a restaurant for example.
So how can I hold anything but compassion in my heart for another broken child of God, no matter what they have done to me? I only pray that they are either healed in this life and can help others, or that when they pass over, they do not get caught in this cycle again.
Although I believe we are all victims of our own conditioning, it doesn’t mean those who abuse the vulnerable should not be held accountable for their actions. Perhaps harsher punishment, even capital punishment, for those who hurt others in this way, might make them think twice. Maybe only then would we have fewer such acts against children and the vulnerable.
If an abuser is still alive, I pray for courage for victims to speak up and justice to be served. I pray for the victim’s loved ones to be loving and supportive. If the abuser has already been held accountable or they are no longer in the victim’s life, I pray for healing and freedom for all affected. Too often, circumstances mean the abusers get away and never take responsibility for their actions. If it’s out of our control and nothing more can be done, the only thing left to do now is let go.
My heart hurts for those who can’t do that. I know how you feel because I once felt that way too, but I also know there is hope, because of the way I feel now.
You may think you are suffering alone in your trauma, but statistics show that 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 7 boys in the world are sexually abused. We only have to talk openly with a handful of people to see how our suffering is more universal than we think.
We all handle trauma in different ways, but if we can reach a stage of understanding and absolute forgiveness for the ones who hurt our loved ones or us, if we can erase the mind’s thought patterns with selflesness, mindfulness, meditation or Sadhana, we can then free ourselves to focus on the goodness in the world and in our lives, and this goodness is plentiful!
If you’re reading this post, you have so much to be grateful for because you’re already better off than millions of people in this world. There’s a good chance you can afford a device, you’re educated to some degree and sitting somewhere comfortable enough, without feeling starved, without fearing for your life, and with time to read. Many are not so lucky in this moment.
Shifting your thoughts to gratitude for the most basic blessings can change the course of your day.
I’ll leave you with that for now.
Please take good care of yourselves and each other.
Forgive. Forgive. Forgive.
Let Go. Let Go. Let Go.
With His Grace,
Sushree Diya Om
🧡
(Originally published on os.me on January 29, 2021)